Post by Suicide on Jun 23, 2007 1:58:28 GMT -5
The scene fades up on a long dusty road about 2 o’clock in the afternoon. One or two cars pass by the camera before a huge hippie bus barrels down the road blowing up dust behind it. The mammoth automobile pulls up to where the camera man is standing. The bus makes a lot of noise just sitting there engine running, but its only a few seconds before the bus just continues forward. Leaving in its place dust in the air and a man laying face down on the ground next to a suit case. In the mans hand there is noticeably a fifth of Crown Royal. The camera man goes forward and kicks the body….
No Response. He kicks again…
Man: Whoa what the hell…where…huh.
Due to the Suicido 420 shirt and cloud of smoke surrounding him, the Cameraman jumps to the conclusion that it is the expected Suicide. Suicide looks around him and notices the huge building in front of him which is UWS headquarters.
Suicide: It’s been a while man, its been a while. Dude you don’t even know what I went through to get here man. For some reason the people I was riding with thought Mexico sounded fun or something. Then we kind of lost the original bus. Too much vodka or something. But no worries we got that other bus by going to the uh. Where the hell did that bus come from. Well whatever man whats done is done.
Suicide stands up from the ground and dusts himself off. He notices the fifth in his hand ( he probably would’ve lost it if not for the sweet bag with the string you tie to yourself) and took a shot or two straight.
Suicide: Oh wait before anything and as long as there is a camera dude here, I should introduce myself to all the peeps in TV land who didn’t watch the AWE and all the wrestlers who, well, just give a fuck. I am the one and only stoner idol for my suicidals, Suicide. Former member of the not quite legendary Unholy Alliance, former XWF hardcore champion, sexy son of a bitch and other things nobody cares about. Among other things I am the heterosexual life mate to the one and only…
Suicide looks all around him and then runs to the suitcase. He unzips the top pocket just to see a fat bull dog plop out. Suicide wipes the sweat off his brow and continues on….
Suicide: Ok its all good… PASQUAMI. For those of you who don‘t know this is my best friend, and one hell of a party animal. Literally. So Pasquami while your near the bag, grab the stash man.
Suicide looks at Pasquami who is staring right back at him.
Suicide: What do you mean you ate it again man.
Pasquami burps lazily and rolls over.
Suicide: damn it Pasquami. I’m tired of you hogging shit.
Pasquami waddles over to the suitcase and grabs an Arizona ice tea in jowls. He brings it back to Suicide.
Suicide: Oh I can’t stay mad at you. Look at that face..
Suicide grabs the tea from the dogs mouth and pats him on the head.
Suicide: I know Pasquami that you were getting used to not being on the road and just chilling at the pad. But I thought it was time to come back you know. After that neck injury in the Cage match to decide AWE’s Inaugural Heavyweight Champion. I kinda was doubting if I could fully recuperate, and yeah I know I told you I wouldn’t step back in the ring. But, well remember when we were partying in Massachusetts that one night after getting lost on the way to Red Lobster, and that one dude sat down right when I passed the blunt.
Pasquami nods his head.
Suicide: Remember what he said?
Pasquami shakes his head no.
Suicide: You burn out. He said that the corkscrew moonsault off the cage to the outside when I fucked up my neck was the sickest shit he’d ever seen on cable TV. And that made me remember. Remember the holy shit chants after Ozzy Blackhart lit my pants on fire and I did the flaming leg drop onto Apunkalypse. Remember the Please Don’t Die chants before I did the 630 swanton through the barbwire table to Quiksilver. Remember the heartbreak and the cheers after I almost won the (Non Deathmatch) Rising Star Tournament before losing to the eventual Heavyweight champ. Which proved I wasn‘t just some hardcore lunatic. (Although I love me some barbwire) Remember it all. So when Ozzy called me up about making my comeback in his new Fed, I didn’t hesitate man. I miss it. I miss it all.
Suicide looks back down at Pasquami as he cracks open his Arizona.
Suicide: I know its beautiful dude, let it out.
Suicide and Pasquami embrace. Until Pasquami backs off suddenly and pukes up a small baggy.
Suicide: Dude, thats something you don’t see every day…Would it be weird to smoke that.
Pasquami gives a look which can only be described “I don’t know”. Suicide picks up the baggy and puts it in his pocket. He stands back up alongside his doggy and looks at the big building in front of him.
Suicide: Here it is man. Ozzy tells me he hooked me up with a small room on the second floor to watch promos and just chill in. Apparently they got a gym in this place too. Yea that’s the first place were going. Wink.
Pasquami looks at Suicide.
Suicide: What do you mean when I say wink it doesn’t count as winking. It gets the point across and it certainly doesn’t count as dancing, dude your just always on my case about…
Suicide and seemingly Pasquami argue as they walk into the building.
Fade to Black and cut to next Scene
**************************************************************************************
The next scene fades up in the hallway of the second floor. As the camera man dollies down the hallway and scan the doors as he passes, he grows wearisome of not seeing the name Suicide. Although he does finally come to a door which he assumes belongs to the stoner idol which is marked “Squam Face”. He knocks twice and thankfully is met with the voice of suicide telling him to “come on in camera dude”. As he opens the door he is met with a never ending cloud of smoke which he manages to navigate through. In the background he hears on the TV a generic voice making generic statements. He finally comes to the couch that Suicido and Pasquami are sitting on. They are watching the TV and laughing . This may have to do with trying to make logic out of whats on TV, or for the same reason that their experiencing an indoors over cast of cloudage.
Suicide: So camera dude, I stop by the front desk and talk this stellar guy named Mark, he hooked me up with what I thought would be my opponents promo. But seems to be someone doing a very cocky Steve Blackman impression ( what an obscure reference). Seriously man, I have seen this damn promo a million times by a million people. The guy claiming he won Heavyweight title after Heavyweight title. Yet his championship mind couldn’t think of a better place to make his debut promo (I use the word promo loosely) then the center of a ring. Oh-ridge-eh-nall.
Pasquami looks at Suicide.
Suicide: Good point Pasquami, where the hell is this even taking place. The imaginary show that has not yet even happened yet. Or maybe he made the brilliant decision to make his debut promo at an untapped house show. C’mon dude. Your killing me. I may be a forgetful, burnout, stoner, who has taken one too many “backyard wrestling” shots to the head. But even I don’t believe you won a Heavyweight title that wasn’t made out of your dads leather belt and cardboard.
Suicide raises his hand up revealing a good sized roachie still lit and smoking. As he takes another hit he picks up the remote and turns up the TV.
Suicide: This is my favorite part.
“I’ve seen some footage of the guy, he doesn’t impress me. And he shouldn’t he shouldn’t impress any of us. Because all he is, is a guy who thinks this is a backyard wrestling federation. Something you put together in your back yard, and that’s just not the case. No you see, by him thinking that he’s hardcore and such. I find that disrespectful…”
Suicide does as Brandon does and scoffs or something as he hears this and turns the TV back down to a level where the mans voice doesn’t make you want to rip your own eyes out just to have something to plug your ears with. In other words he mutes it.
Suicide: OK. This guy I guarantee has NEVER seen one of my matches and cannot name one fed I’ve been in. Maybe after he watches this promo he’ll claim he knew I had been in the AWE. But dudes and dudettes trust me, I doubt this guy is allowed to even use a DVD player unless he’s wearing his helmet.
Suicide is nudged by Pasquami. Suicide then puts the roach up the dog’s lips in what the cameraman describes as the coolest thing he has seen all week. Pasquami then exhales and barks at the screen.
Suicide: Good point, I don’t like people who bash others promos but can you blame me this time man. This dude is putting himself over as the Savior of UWS and me as the simple minded backyard wrestler, whos only good for swinging a chair or lightube. Well Tim. If I may call you Tim.
Pasquami looks at Suicido, and Suicide responds back to Pasquami.
Suicide: Its What.. Really Brandon. Tim is just smoother isn’t it. Anywho Tim. Since the first word of this federation is ULTRAVIOLENT. Maybe in the future sometime after this tournament I might wanna bust your deathmatch cherry and introduce to you not only what this fed is built upon but what gave me the name Suicide. But that’s a discussion for another day.
Suicide takes one last puff and puts the roach out in ash tray. He then looks back to the camera.
Suicide: I’ll leave you with this Tim, I’m sure you look at me and see a stepping stone to the next round. However that’s because you don’t know as much as about me as you let on. At the risk of sounding corny, you don’t know what your getting yourself into man. But I’m all about helping the youngsters so here is an idea for your next mind blowing promo. Push yourself to the creative limit and maybe go backstage and talk to an interviewer. Im pretty sure it’s only been done once before by Funk in '86 but who remembers. Ok homies peace out and until next time, enjoy yourselves.
The cameraman backs up as we FADE TO BLACK.
No Response. He kicks again…
Man: Whoa what the hell…where…huh.
Due to the Suicido 420 shirt and cloud of smoke surrounding him, the Cameraman jumps to the conclusion that it is the expected Suicide. Suicide looks around him and notices the huge building in front of him which is UWS headquarters.
Suicide: It’s been a while man, its been a while. Dude you don’t even know what I went through to get here man. For some reason the people I was riding with thought Mexico sounded fun or something. Then we kind of lost the original bus. Too much vodka or something. But no worries we got that other bus by going to the uh. Where the hell did that bus come from. Well whatever man whats done is done.
Suicide stands up from the ground and dusts himself off. He notices the fifth in his hand ( he probably would’ve lost it if not for the sweet bag with the string you tie to yourself) and took a shot or two straight.
Suicide: Oh wait before anything and as long as there is a camera dude here, I should introduce myself to all the peeps in TV land who didn’t watch the AWE and all the wrestlers who, well, just give a fuck. I am the one and only stoner idol for my suicidals, Suicide. Former member of the not quite legendary Unholy Alliance, former XWF hardcore champion, sexy son of a bitch and other things nobody cares about. Among other things I am the heterosexual life mate to the one and only…
Suicide looks all around him and then runs to the suitcase. He unzips the top pocket just to see a fat bull dog plop out. Suicide wipes the sweat off his brow and continues on….
Suicide: Ok its all good… PASQUAMI. For those of you who don‘t know this is my best friend, and one hell of a party animal. Literally. So Pasquami while your near the bag, grab the stash man.
Suicide looks at Pasquami who is staring right back at him.
Suicide: What do you mean you ate it again man.
Pasquami burps lazily and rolls over.
Suicide: damn it Pasquami. I’m tired of you hogging shit.
Pasquami waddles over to the suitcase and grabs an Arizona ice tea in jowls. He brings it back to Suicide.
Suicide: Oh I can’t stay mad at you. Look at that face..
Suicide grabs the tea from the dogs mouth and pats him on the head.
Suicide: I know Pasquami that you were getting used to not being on the road and just chilling at the pad. But I thought it was time to come back you know. After that neck injury in the Cage match to decide AWE’s Inaugural Heavyweight Champion. I kinda was doubting if I could fully recuperate, and yeah I know I told you I wouldn’t step back in the ring. But, well remember when we were partying in Massachusetts that one night after getting lost on the way to Red Lobster, and that one dude sat down right when I passed the blunt.
Pasquami nods his head.
Suicide: Remember what he said?
Pasquami shakes his head no.
Suicide: You burn out. He said that the corkscrew moonsault off the cage to the outside when I fucked up my neck was the sickest shit he’d ever seen on cable TV. And that made me remember. Remember the holy shit chants after Ozzy Blackhart lit my pants on fire and I did the flaming leg drop onto Apunkalypse. Remember the Please Don’t Die chants before I did the 630 swanton through the barbwire table to Quiksilver. Remember the heartbreak and the cheers after I almost won the (Non Deathmatch) Rising Star Tournament before losing to the eventual Heavyweight champ. Which proved I wasn‘t just some hardcore lunatic. (Although I love me some barbwire) Remember it all. So when Ozzy called me up about making my comeback in his new Fed, I didn’t hesitate man. I miss it. I miss it all.
Suicide looks back down at Pasquami as he cracks open his Arizona.
Suicide: I know its beautiful dude, let it out.
Suicide and Pasquami embrace. Until Pasquami backs off suddenly and pukes up a small baggy.
Suicide: Dude, thats something you don’t see every day…Would it be weird to smoke that.
Pasquami gives a look which can only be described “I don’t know”. Suicide picks up the baggy and puts it in his pocket. He stands back up alongside his doggy and looks at the big building in front of him.
Suicide: Here it is man. Ozzy tells me he hooked me up with a small room on the second floor to watch promos and just chill in. Apparently they got a gym in this place too. Yea that’s the first place were going. Wink.
Pasquami looks at Suicide.
Suicide: What do you mean when I say wink it doesn’t count as winking. It gets the point across and it certainly doesn’t count as dancing, dude your just always on my case about…
Suicide and seemingly Pasquami argue as they walk into the building.
Fade to Black and cut to next Scene
**************************************************************************************
The next scene fades up in the hallway of the second floor. As the camera man dollies down the hallway and scan the doors as he passes, he grows wearisome of not seeing the name Suicide. Although he does finally come to a door which he assumes belongs to the stoner idol which is marked “Squam Face”. He knocks twice and thankfully is met with the voice of suicide telling him to “come on in camera dude”. As he opens the door he is met with a never ending cloud of smoke which he manages to navigate through. In the background he hears on the TV a generic voice making generic statements. He finally comes to the couch that Suicido and Pasquami are sitting on. They are watching the TV and laughing . This may have to do with trying to make logic out of whats on TV, or for the same reason that their experiencing an indoors over cast of cloudage.
Suicide: So camera dude, I stop by the front desk and talk this stellar guy named Mark, he hooked me up with what I thought would be my opponents promo. But seems to be someone doing a very cocky Steve Blackman impression ( what an obscure reference). Seriously man, I have seen this damn promo a million times by a million people. The guy claiming he won Heavyweight title after Heavyweight title. Yet his championship mind couldn’t think of a better place to make his debut promo (I use the word promo loosely) then the center of a ring. Oh-ridge-eh-nall.
Pasquami looks at Suicide.
Suicide: Good point Pasquami, where the hell is this even taking place. The imaginary show that has not yet even happened yet. Or maybe he made the brilliant decision to make his debut promo at an untapped house show. C’mon dude. Your killing me. I may be a forgetful, burnout, stoner, who has taken one too many “backyard wrestling” shots to the head. But even I don’t believe you won a Heavyweight title that wasn’t made out of your dads leather belt and cardboard.
Suicide raises his hand up revealing a good sized roachie still lit and smoking. As he takes another hit he picks up the remote and turns up the TV.
Suicide: This is my favorite part.
“I’ve seen some footage of the guy, he doesn’t impress me. And he shouldn’t he shouldn’t impress any of us. Because all he is, is a guy who thinks this is a backyard wrestling federation. Something you put together in your back yard, and that’s just not the case. No you see, by him thinking that he’s hardcore and such. I find that disrespectful…”
Suicide does as Brandon does and scoffs or something as he hears this and turns the TV back down to a level where the mans voice doesn’t make you want to rip your own eyes out just to have something to plug your ears with. In other words he mutes it.
Suicide: OK. This guy I guarantee has NEVER seen one of my matches and cannot name one fed I’ve been in. Maybe after he watches this promo he’ll claim he knew I had been in the AWE. But dudes and dudettes trust me, I doubt this guy is allowed to even use a DVD player unless he’s wearing his helmet.
Suicide is nudged by Pasquami. Suicide then puts the roach up the dog’s lips in what the cameraman describes as the coolest thing he has seen all week. Pasquami then exhales and barks at the screen.
Suicide: Good point, I don’t like people who bash others promos but can you blame me this time man. This dude is putting himself over as the Savior of UWS and me as the simple minded backyard wrestler, whos only good for swinging a chair or lightube. Well Tim. If I may call you Tim.
Pasquami looks at Suicido, and Suicide responds back to Pasquami.
Suicide: Its What.. Really Brandon. Tim is just smoother isn’t it. Anywho Tim. Since the first word of this federation is ULTRAVIOLENT. Maybe in the future sometime after this tournament I might wanna bust your deathmatch cherry and introduce to you not only what this fed is built upon but what gave me the name Suicide. But that’s a discussion for another day.
Suicide takes one last puff and puts the roach out in ash tray. He then looks back to the camera.
Suicide: I’ll leave you with this Tim, I’m sure you look at me and see a stepping stone to the next round. However that’s because you don’t know as much as about me as you let on. At the risk of sounding corny, you don’t know what your getting yourself into man. But I’m all about helping the youngsters so here is an idea for your next mind blowing promo. Push yourself to the creative limit and maybe go backstage and talk to an interviewer. Im pretty sure it’s only been done once before by Funk in '86 but who remembers. Ok homies peace out and until next time, enjoy yourselves.
The cameraman backs up as we FADE TO BLACK.