Post by Suicide on Jul 2, 2007 20:20:03 GMT -5
The scene fades up outside of the American Airlines Arena the morning after UWS’s successful first show “Unleashed”. There are very few cars in the parking lot as it can’t be any later than eight or 9 AM. As the camera scans left you can see the sprinklers are on and spraying the dark green grass, and then finally the camera finds its mark. Slowly the camera dollies in towards the end of the parking lot behind the massive arena. Once the camera finally stops moving we find ourselves in front of a big red dumpster. The cameraman starts to walk forward as if hes going to knock on the huge metal waste receptacle, but is met with one of the big plastic doors on top swinging open. In front of our very eyes we see a battered (beer battered) and worn down Stoner Idol crawl out. Actually, he only crawls half way out and then drops the last four feet landing straight on his ass. By the looks of it, he went straight from his bout with Tim to partying it up on the streets of…well right outside the arena I guess. The pants that were once all red with Suicido written down the leg are now pretty much just burnt to a crisp revealing his black and yellow smiley faced boxers, which I’m sure he partied in. It also appears he couldn’t stop to shower because he still had some dried blood over the top of his eye. However it does seem he managed to throw something on as he is dawning a Mike Awesome shirt (may he Rest In Peace). Suicide doesn’t say anything at first and just sort of sits there leaning up against the dumpster half-awake half fighting to stay that way. As he reaches into his pocket I’m sure most people were assuming he was grabbing something drug related, but hold the phone granny, just grabbing his sunglasses. Apparently, the mid morning sun is getting to the artist formerly known as the Suicide Kid. Suicide then reaches again into his pocket this time making everyone happy by grabbing a joint and his infamous black Zippo that has lit many a J-bastard in its day. He lights it up and takes a few puffs as he turns to the camera.
Suicide: Man, wake in bake broseph. Put that Camera down, you might as well join, as I’m not gonna be any good to anyone for like 15 minutes.
Fade To Black
15 Minutes Later
Fade Up From Black
Suicide:… so I said to her, “Ma’am I haven’t done that to an orangutan since the 80’s man, and I don’t even have any peanut butter on me” so she says, oh wait are we on man?
The cameraman nods.
Suicide: Ok Dude. I’ll finish that story later. Anyways, good morning all my homies in TV land. You may or may not have noticed a few things. Number one I’m sitting next to a garbage can thing, number two I am without Pasquami on this fine Friday morning, and number three I’m not wearing any pants. And I know all the people from the FCC are thinking what the fuck, this is insane, you can’t have a guy named Suicide parading around on TV with out Pasquami. Well let me explain, he was mac’in on some chick last night at this after party outside and I’m not one to cock block a dog so I let him be. He was getting pretty far with her too even though she had a boyfriend. I think her boyfriends name was something like, Bellringer or Bellraiser. I don’t know I can’t quite remember. Any who, the reason I’m at this here dumpster is basically because, well. damn did you expect me to sleep on the cold concrete? Jeesh. Think of the children for god sake.
The cameraman obviously gives Suicide a weird look or a hand signal or something.
Suicide: fuck am I babbling again. Anywho, the pants. Yea if I remember correctly, I lit myself on fire and did some type of leg drop. Maybe I busted out the old stoner sault from my dusty arsenal, I can’t quite remember. Although that does remind me. Win number one is in the bag for old Suicide. I went out there and saw all my Suicidals get up on their feet, wearing their Suicido 420 shirts chanting something I can’t quite remember and couldn’t quite make out. Nevertheless, it was awesome. Really took me back. And then Pasquami. I gotta tell ya in all the years and places I’ve wrestled since I was 17 whether it be east coast, west coast, up north, or either of my trips to Mexico, Pasquami has never gotten involved in a single match but this time. Beautifully done by ol Squam face.
Suicide stands up from where he had been sitting for so long and stretches his back. As he slowly begins to stroll down the parking lot towards the shade, he continues to talk.
Suicide: And then pinning Tim for the one, two, three. damn I missed this business. There was one thing wrong about last night though. Something that on any other night would’ve gotten me down. I won my match and for what. Yea I got to beat the shit out of Tim but. That one dude won in the main event (I was to fucked up to see who won) and he continues in the tourney for the Undisputed title. My buddy Reeves wins and continues in the tourney for the Undisputed title. Jimmy wheels wins, gets kicked out of the tournament, but gets a US title shot this week on “unleashed”. Then me, in the match that quite possibly stole the show, pins Tim after lighting myself on fire. Putting my ability to have children on the line. And for that, nothing. Like I said any other night, it would’ve gotten me down. But all I gotta say is no worries man.
Suicide finally makes it to the shade and walks over to one of the bushes. To everyone’s surprise, he happens to pull out an Arizona Ice tea from behind the bush. He pops the top and takes a swig. He then walks over and sits on the ledge turning back towards the camera.
Suicide: Now I know anyone else in my place would probably be pissed for getting no recognition for the win. But the way I see it, I just basically won the first Asylum rules match, this week there is quite a good chance I’ll walk away victorious from the barbwire table match. So, after winning those matches two weeks in a row, who do you think they’ll look to, to make sure the Asylum Championship is in good hands? Yea now you see my thinking. I mean they might just hand the thing to me, cause who would there even be to put in the match against me. I’ll admit it has been a while since I have held gold in America. Not since my days of being Shock Electro. I mean who. I was never called Shock Electro.
With an awkward laugh Suicide takes another urgent drink from the Arizona Ice Tea can. And then as some kind of saving grace his cell phone begins to ring to the tune of “Bong Toking Alcoholics” By KMK. Suicide opens the phone and begins to talk.
Suicide: What up yo…your where man? Well dude you’ve got the rent-a-car man. You crashed it? Good point, you don’t have opposable thumbs. Well dude I’ll find a way just chill there. Peace.
Suicide closes up the phone and begins walking towards a few of the cars in the parking lot.
Suicide: Pasquami is stranded and needs me to pick him up. Do you got a car cameradude?
Cameradude: The bike but.. (Referring to his pretty blue motorcycle)
Suicide: Thanks bro. You’ll get it back. Kind of the way to make me finish this promo ay. OK dude just meet me at the UWS head quarters in like a few hours.
Cameradude: Is that even in this state?
Suicide: Doesn’t matter, I don’t know what state were in.
Cut to a picture of a dolphin, and then Fade to Black.
******************************************************************************************
The next scene fades up once again outside of UWS headquarters. A breeding ground for the Ultraviolent. As the cameraman nears the doors his once pretty blue motorcycle comes into view impaled on the side of the building, one would assume Suicide was under the influence but this narrator is not the kind of son of a bitch who jumps to conclusions. Continuing on through the doors of the complex, we see that the cameraman doesn’t need to stop and ask for where Suicido has gone to. He only has to follow the general odor of illegal substances. Which more or less brings him to… THE GYM. Yes, it seems that Suicide decided to get ready for his upcoming match. No, wait, just kidding. Soon enough we find ourselves in front of a sleeping Suicide. Apparently, he couldn’t handle the elevator ride up to floor number dos and decided it was nap nap time on treadmill number three. The cameraman turns the machine on and sends Suicide flying toward the floor, which by the look on his face wasn’t the softest of landings. He looks up at the camera.
Suicide: Oh. What up, I see you saw the bike man. Yea I got some kind of weird hand cramp or something pulling in here man. No worries though, Whitmore said the business would pay for it to get replaced. Dude did you turn on the machine while I was sleeping on it?
Cameraman: Hand cramp.
Suicide: Oh yea dude those suck. Lets go up to the room.
Suicide and the less than happy cameraman make their way inside the elevator. A voice is heard saying “hold the elevator” as Osirus Blackhart runs to stop the door with his hand. However, Suicide Chronic kicks him right back out of the elevator on his ass and quickly presses the floor 2 button and then the close button.
Cameraman: Aren’t the two of you old friends.
Suicide: Yea old enough friends to know that that guy farts on the elevator and then presses the emergency stop button. I just saved your life.
The elevator comes to floor 2 and both men get off and begin walking down the hall to the room marked Squam face. Once at the door Suicide performs the secret knock that allows him entrance. Actually it isn’t so much a knock as it is Suicide yelling “Open The fucking Door” which one way or another, the four-legged pouch is able to do. Once inside the camera sees that the room has changed a lot since last time we visited. There’s a big poster of Ronald McDonald smoking a blunt on the same side that there’s a Jim Morrison poster. What would a room be without an Ozzy Osbourne poster and of course the poster of Suicide’s Idol when it comes to the art of the deathmatch. Cactus jack, Mick Foley. Now many would say Terry Funk as he was Foleys idol but I guess Suicide was just part of the new generation that could either look up to Mad Man Pondo, John Zandig, or Mick Foley. Suicide chose Foley. Anyways moving on, another change caught the eye of a certain camera operator and he couldn’t help but bring it to Suicide’s attention.
Cameraman: Suicide, do you know that your dog has his left testicle pierced.
Suicide: Why the fuck are you staring at my dog’s testicles man. Get the fuck out dude we don’t need that kind of perversion…no I’m just fucking with you. Yea I know. He got it after I won last night I guess. He thinks it makes him look sexy and I personally don’t want to stare directly at the thing. Anyways, grab a seat dude and try not to remember that the K-9 has one of his Ying Yang twins pierced.
(If you didn’t laugh at that Ying Yang Twins joke then fuck you) The cameraman takes a seat in one of the chairs keeping his shot on Suicide jumping onto the leather couch. As Pasquami jumps onto the couch, you can see that a folder is on the glass table in front of the couch. Along with a green, glass, 2 foot bong.
Suicide: Oh by the way dude, meet Winston my new bong. Picked him up last Wednesday. Enough of this nonsense though. Lets talk about what we came to talk about……
Suicide looks at the camera as the cameraman stares right back, as Pasquami licks his nether region.
Suicide: Umm did you have a topic.
Cameraman: (whispers) Your match with HardKore.
Suicide: Oh of course. That old chestnut and such. Well I went to the counter looking for his promo, but he didn’t seem to have one. So I settled on taking a look at the mans profile. Did you look at this guy? damn, it looks like he shits steroids. Why this man would want to use weapons in his matches I’ll never know as the mans arms look like weapons. I would make fun of the guys name but hey look at mine. Granted my name isn’t as much a sad way to get over as someone Suicidal, but simply a shortened version of Suicide Kid that was given to me in Mexico. But still, if your named Hardkore, one can make the assumption that your not gonna come at me with a standing switch followed by a single leg take over simultaneously grabbing my arms to put on a bow and arrow stretch. Nope, one can assume your gonna put some thumbtacks down on the mat and through me all up on them. Well, while I’m not one to make assumptions. I’m gonna go with assuming the latter. As far as the rest of the profile goes. It can only help so much. It was necessary to see what your gonna try and finish the match with and what your name is and blah blah blah. Other than that, it’s nothing. You’ve got the advantage Hardkore. I’ve never even heard you say a word let alone be able to watch and scout one of your matches. And you don’t even have to go look for one my matches. Just go downstairs.
Suicide stops to pack a bowl into Winston. He takes out about an eighth of bud that was in a bag in his pocket. As he breaks it up, he begins to talk to Pasquami.
Suicide: Did you see that awesome shit off the tree last night.
The bulldog looks back at Suicide.
Suicide: Yea but it was off the cage, that’s why I broke my neck. Whatever you buzz kill, now I’m not gonna let you hit this…Good point, you did buy it.
Suicide loads it all into the slider and busts out his lighter.
Suicide: We should probably finish this up before we gets a toking. I guess you’ll hear from me once we hear from the big behemoth. Squami quick, give me a corny catch phrase to go out on.
The fat bulldog sits for a second. He then motions he would like to hit it first. So Suicide lights up the greens while Pasquami slobberly hits Winston. Holding it in he walks over to Suicide slowly (you’d walk slowly to had your left testicle just been pierced). He then simultaneously whispers something in his ear as he exhales.
Suicide: Nice. Until next time HawdKower, remember that what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, and what does kill you, is Suicide.
The dynamic duo smack hands/paws as weFADE TO BLACK
Suicide: Man, wake in bake broseph. Put that Camera down, you might as well join, as I’m not gonna be any good to anyone for like 15 minutes.
Fade To Black
15 Minutes Later
Fade Up From Black
Suicide:… so I said to her, “Ma’am I haven’t done that to an orangutan since the 80’s man, and I don’t even have any peanut butter on me” so she says, oh wait are we on man?
The cameraman nods.
Suicide: Ok Dude. I’ll finish that story later. Anyways, good morning all my homies in TV land. You may or may not have noticed a few things. Number one I’m sitting next to a garbage can thing, number two I am without Pasquami on this fine Friday morning, and number three I’m not wearing any pants. And I know all the people from the FCC are thinking what the fuck, this is insane, you can’t have a guy named Suicide parading around on TV with out Pasquami. Well let me explain, he was mac’in on some chick last night at this after party outside and I’m not one to cock block a dog so I let him be. He was getting pretty far with her too even though she had a boyfriend. I think her boyfriends name was something like, Bellringer or Bellraiser. I don’t know I can’t quite remember. Any who, the reason I’m at this here dumpster is basically because, well. damn did you expect me to sleep on the cold concrete? Jeesh. Think of the children for god sake.
The cameraman obviously gives Suicide a weird look or a hand signal or something.
Suicide: fuck am I babbling again. Anywho, the pants. Yea if I remember correctly, I lit myself on fire and did some type of leg drop. Maybe I busted out the old stoner sault from my dusty arsenal, I can’t quite remember. Although that does remind me. Win number one is in the bag for old Suicide. I went out there and saw all my Suicidals get up on their feet, wearing their Suicido 420 shirts chanting something I can’t quite remember and couldn’t quite make out. Nevertheless, it was awesome. Really took me back. And then Pasquami. I gotta tell ya in all the years and places I’ve wrestled since I was 17 whether it be east coast, west coast, up north, or either of my trips to Mexico, Pasquami has never gotten involved in a single match but this time. Beautifully done by ol Squam face.
Suicide stands up from where he had been sitting for so long and stretches his back. As he slowly begins to stroll down the parking lot towards the shade, he continues to talk.
Suicide: And then pinning Tim for the one, two, three. damn I missed this business. There was one thing wrong about last night though. Something that on any other night would’ve gotten me down. I won my match and for what. Yea I got to beat the shit out of Tim but. That one dude won in the main event (I was to fucked up to see who won) and he continues in the tourney for the Undisputed title. My buddy Reeves wins and continues in the tourney for the Undisputed title. Jimmy wheels wins, gets kicked out of the tournament, but gets a US title shot this week on “unleashed”. Then me, in the match that quite possibly stole the show, pins Tim after lighting myself on fire. Putting my ability to have children on the line. And for that, nothing. Like I said any other night, it would’ve gotten me down. But all I gotta say is no worries man.
Suicide finally makes it to the shade and walks over to one of the bushes. To everyone’s surprise, he happens to pull out an Arizona Ice tea from behind the bush. He pops the top and takes a swig. He then walks over and sits on the ledge turning back towards the camera.
Suicide: Now I know anyone else in my place would probably be pissed for getting no recognition for the win. But the way I see it, I just basically won the first Asylum rules match, this week there is quite a good chance I’ll walk away victorious from the barbwire table match. So, after winning those matches two weeks in a row, who do you think they’ll look to, to make sure the Asylum Championship is in good hands? Yea now you see my thinking. I mean they might just hand the thing to me, cause who would there even be to put in the match against me. I’ll admit it has been a while since I have held gold in America. Not since my days of being Shock Electro. I mean who. I was never called Shock Electro.
With an awkward laugh Suicide takes another urgent drink from the Arizona Ice Tea can. And then as some kind of saving grace his cell phone begins to ring to the tune of “Bong Toking Alcoholics” By KMK. Suicide opens the phone and begins to talk.
Suicide: What up yo…your where man? Well dude you’ve got the rent-a-car man. You crashed it? Good point, you don’t have opposable thumbs. Well dude I’ll find a way just chill there. Peace.
Suicide closes up the phone and begins walking towards a few of the cars in the parking lot.
Suicide: Pasquami is stranded and needs me to pick him up. Do you got a car cameradude?
Cameradude: The bike but.. (Referring to his pretty blue motorcycle)
Suicide: Thanks bro. You’ll get it back. Kind of the way to make me finish this promo ay. OK dude just meet me at the UWS head quarters in like a few hours.
Cameradude: Is that even in this state?
Suicide: Doesn’t matter, I don’t know what state were in.
Cut to a picture of a dolphin, and then Fade to Black.
******************************************************************************************
The next scene fades up once again outside of UWS headquarters. A breeding ground for the Ultraviolent. As the cameraman nears the doors his once pretty blue motorcycle comes into view impaled on the side of the building, one would assume Suicide was under the influence but this narrator is not the kind of son of a bitch who jumps to conclusions. Continuing on through the doors of the complex, we see that the cameraman doesn’t need to stop and ask for where Suicido has gone to. He only has to follow the general odor of illegal substances. Which more or less brings him to… THE GYM. Yes, it seems that Suicide decided to get ready for his upcoming match. No, wait, just kidding. Soon enough we find ourselves in front of a sleeping Suicide. Apparently, he couldn’t handle the elevator ride up to floor number dos and decided it was nap nap time on treadmill number three. The cameraman turns the machine on and sends Suicide flying toward the floor, which by the look on his face wasn’t the softest of landings. He looks up at the camera.
Suicide: Oh. What up, I see you saw the bike man. Yea I got some kind of weird hand cramp or something pulling in here man. No worries though, Whitmore said the business would pay for it to get replaced. Dude did you turn on the machine while I was sleeping on it?
Cameraman: Hand cramp.
Suicide: Oh yea dude those suck. Lets go up to the room.
Suicide and the less than happy cameraman make their way inside the elevator. A voice is heard saying “hold the elevator” as Osirus Blackhart runs to stop the door with his hand. However, Suicide Chronic kicks him right back out of the elevator on his ass and quickly presses the floor 2 button and then the close button.
Cameraman: Aren’t the two of you old friends.
Suicide: Yea old enough friends to know that that guy farts on the elevator and then presses the emergency stop button. I just saved your life.
The elevator comes to floor 2 and both men get off and begin walking down the hall to the room marked Squam face. Once at the door Suicide performs the secret knock that allows him entrance. Actually it isn’t so much a knock as it is Suicide yelling “Open The fucking Door” which one way or another, the four-legged pouch is able to do. Once inside the camera sees that the room has changed a lot since last time we visited. There’s a big poster of Ronald McDonald smoking a blunt on the same side that there’s a Jim Morrison poster. What would a room be without an Ozzy Osbourne poster and of course the poster of Suicide’s Idol when it comes to the art of the deathmatch. Cactus jack, Mick Foley. Now many would say Terry Funk as he was Foleys idol but I guess Suicide was just part of the new generation that could either look up to Mad Man Pondo, John Zandig, or Mick Foley. Suicide chose Foley. Anyways moving on, another change caught the eye of a certain camera operator and he couldn’t help but bring it to Suicide’s attention.
Cameraman: Suicide, do you know that your dog has his left testicle pierced.
Suicide: Why the fuck are you staring at my dog’s testicles man. Get the fuck out dude we don’t need that kind of perversion…no I’m just fucking with you. Yea I know. He got it after I won last night I guess. He thinks it makes him look sexy and I personally don’t want to stare directly at the thing. Anyways, grab a seat dude and try not to remember that the K-9 has one of his Ying Yang twins pierced.
(If you didn’t laugh at that Ying Yang Twins joke then fuck you) The cameraman takes a seat in one of the chairs keeping his shot on Suicide jumping onto the leather couch. As Pasquami jumps onto the couch, you can see that a folder is on the glass table in front of the couch. Along with a green, glass, 2 foot bong.
Suicide: Oh by the way dude, meet Winston my new bong. Picked him up last Wednesday. Enough of this nonsense though. Lets talk about what we came to talk about……
Suicide looks at the camera as the cameraman stares right back, as Pasquami licks his nether region.
Suicide: Umm did you have a topic.
Cameraman: (whispers) Your match with HardKore.
Suicide: Oh of course. That old chestnut and such. Well I went to the counter looking for his promo, but he didn’t seem to have one. So I settled on taking a look at the mans profile. Did you look at this guy? damn, it looks like he shits steroids. Why this man would want to use weapons in his matches I’ll never know as the mans arms look like weapons. I would make fun of the guys name but hey look at mine. Granted my name isn’t as much a sad way to get over as someone Suicidal, but simply a shortened version of Suicide Kid that was given to me in Mexico. But still, if your named Hardkore, one can make the assumption that your not gonna come at me with a standing switch followed by a single leg take over simultaneously grabbing my arms to put on a bow and arrow stretch. Nope, one can assume your gonna put some thumbtacks down on the mat and through me all up on them. Well, while I’m not one to make assumptions. I’m gonna go with assuming the latter. As far as the rest of the profile goes. It can only help so much. It was necessary to see what your gonna try and finish the match with and what your name is and blah blah blah. Other than that, it’s nothing. You’ve got the advantage Hardkore. I’ve never even heard you say a word let alone be able to watch and scout one of your matches. And you don’t even have to go look for one my matches. Just go downstairs.
Suicide stops to pack a bowl into Winston. He takes out about an eighth of bud that was in a bag in his pocket. As he breaks it up, he begins to talk to Pasquami.
Suicide: Did you see that awesome shit off the tree last night.
The bulldog looks back at Suicide.
Suicide: Yea but it was off the cage, that’s why I broke my neck. Whatever you buzz kill, now I’m not gonna let you hit this…Good point, you did buy it.
Suicide loads it all into the slider and busts out his lighter.
Suicide: We should probably finish this up before we gets a toking. I guess you’ll hear from me once we hear from the big behemoth. Squami quick, give me a corny catch phrase to go out on.
The fat bulldog sits for a second. He then motions he would like to hit it first. So Suicide lights up the greens while Pasquami slobberly hits Winston. Holding it in he walks over to Suicide slowly (you’d walk slowly to had your left testicle just been pierced). He then simultaneously whispers something in his ear as he exhales.
Suicide: Nice. Until next time HawdKower, remember that what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, and what does kill you, is Suicide.
The dynamic duo smack hands/paws as weFADE TO BLACK
